


Too Much Food, Not Enough Love

by PeaceMinusMOTTE



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Body Positivity, Chaptered, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, GTOP, Insecurity, M/M, TODae - Freeform, what even is the title i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-05-28 03:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15039368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeaceMinusMOTTE/pseuds/PeaceMinusMOTTE
Summary: Jiyong is insecure during the filming of Run, BIGBANG Scout! and Seunghyun only wants to tell him he's gorgeous.





	1. Lifting Spirtits

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb. Body insecurity, fluff, and the teensiest bit of angst.

Seunghyun stood up, stretching his back carefully. They’d just finished filming _Run, BIGBANG Scout!_ and to be perfectly candid, he was pretty exhausted - emotionally, more than anything. All the group had done was drive out to a not-so-remote place, bought some food, cooked some food, eaten more food, and had a small heart to heart between the members. As Seunghyun lamented on this, he frowned.

“Too much food....” he mumbled, barely audible over the bustle of the staff packing away.

“What was too much, Hyung?”

Seunghyun startled at the soft voice behind him. He whipped around - probably too quickly - to face Jiyong, who was holding out a spare coat. He cocked his head, looking at Seunghyun expectantly. “What was too much?” he asked again.

Seunghyun took the coat and made a show of wrapping it around himself, smiling warmly at Jiyong all the while. “We just had a lot of food today, don’t you think?”

Jiyong’s small smile immediately fell. The older man stood confused for a second before it suddenly clicked - Jiyong was still insecure. Recently, as they hadn’t had any schedules, Jiyong had been gaining weight. Nothing to worry about at all, he was completely healthy. Seunghyun definitely prefered his current look compared to those times when they did have schedules. Jiyong would get caught up in his work, forget to eat, and then his fatigue would skyrocket. Because his fatigue was worse, his productivity would suffer, then he’d get stressed, and then he’d just refuse to eat because at that point he felt that he didn’t deserve it. It was a vicious cycle, and, from what Seunghyun had seen, only the members of BigBang ever seemed to care.

Before Seunghyun could say anything to Jiyong, the younger man had turned and slipped away, blending perfectly among the staff members. 

Either way, they’d see each other later when it was time to sleep, Seunghyun thought. The staff had rented a couple of camper vans for the trip. They said it would do them good to get out more. Daesung, BigBang’s resident homebody, had vehemently denied the positive effects of the sun and general outdoor activities, while Seunghyun had sat next to him, rather uncomfortably, as Daesung got more and more animated, sharing looks with Youngbae who seemed to be enjoying the rare spectacle. Seungri had given the PD a few dirty looks and muttered about keeping his stocks in check before rushing off to inform his assistant of his sudden departure. Jiyong had kept to himself mostly, nodding when the staff spoke to him, but Seunghyun could see the hazy look in his eyes. Thinking back to it now, he was sure Jiyong was worried about appearing in public in his current state. Despite the members few comments on how much healthier he was looking, Jiyong was very much fixated on his weight.

Eventually, the staff finished packing up and announced that they were going to sleep, and advised the group to do the same. The members were to make one pair and one group of three to share the two camper vans reserved for BigBang.

Daesung caught Seunghyun’s eyes from across the campsite and smiled at him invitingly. Seunghyun, expecting this, returned the smile, albeit more apologetic. He nodded towards Jiyong who was in conversation with the PD. Daesung’s smile fell a little, but he nodded back in understanding. He moved to where Seungri and Youngbae were loitering, intending to give Seunghyun and Jiyong their privacy.

Seunghyun waited until the PD had left Jiyong before sneaking up behind him, mirroring the younger from earlier. Seunghyun gently pinched Jiyong’s waist, causing him to look over his shoulder, eyes wide and innocent. Seunghyun chuckled at his leader’s cute expression before speaking.

“Looks like it’ll just be us two tonight.”

Jiyong craned his neck to watch the other three members enter one of the camper vans, before turning his body to face Seunghyun. “I thought you and Daesung would be together.”

“Did you not want to share a bed with me? I can swap with Seungri if you really want, I know I’ll actually be appreciated over there,” Seunghyun spoke in a whiny voice, pouting his lips to get the full “adorable” effect. Jiyong cringed and slapped his shoulder.

“You’re fine, you’re fine. Let’s go sleep.”

********

Seunghyun flopped onto the mattress dramatically, groaning as he felt his muscles relax. He kept his head buried in the pillow until he felt movement next to him. The mattress barely dipped as Jiyong settled himself under the covers, and Seunghyun clumsily situated himself under his own side. Jiyong shuffled closer to Seunghyun until he could rest his head on the elder’s chest comfortably. Seunghyun wrapped one arm around Jiyong’s waist, and let the other come behind Jiyong’s head to rest on his shoulder.

“You really do look great, you know,” Seunghyun mumbled. Jiyong hummed quietly. “Most fans love seeing you with a fuller figure, Ji.”

Seunghyun didn’t want to admit that he’d spent hours on fansites and fan cafes scrolling through the comments on Jiyong’s pictures, taking in all the loving, affectionate words. The fans really did prefer BigBang’s leader as he was now, healthier and happier. Seunghyun wanted nothing more in the world than to make Jiyong feel good about himself. Gently, he coaxed Jiyong’s face up, nudging him with his own head until their eyes met. Their faces were so close Seunghyun could feel Jiyong’s breath hitch.

In that moment, time slowed down. Both men closed their eyes and leaned close, lips ghosting over one another. Jiyong’s heart was beating so fast he thought it might explode. He wasn’t breathing anymore, and he brought a hand to ball into Seunghyun’s shirt in order to ground himself. Seunghyun took that as a signal, and covered Jiyong’s lips completely with his own.

The kiss was soft and sweet; the two participants feeling as though they were flying. Seunghyun again took the initiative and deepened the kiss, parting Jiyong’s lips and moving a hand to cradle his face as though he could shatter like glass. After a few precious moments, Jiyong pulled away and nestled his forehead under Senghyun’s chin. The elder’s hand was still holding his face, thumb caressing his cheek slowly. Seunghyun pressed his lips against the top of Jiyong’s head.

For a second, Jiyong felt a surge of guilt as he pictured Daesung’s face. Daesung was always so good to his leader and Jiyong suddenly couldn’t shake a massive feeling of betrayal. He lifted his head, intending to discuss the matter with Seunghyun but only a weak “Daesung” had left his lips before Seunghyun shushed him with another kiss. This one was chaste and quick, almost a peck.

“I’m going to speak to him tomorrow,” Seunghyun answered the unspoken question anyway. Jiyong hummed as if to agree, before wiggling himself further under the covers. Seunghyun followed his lead, and both men settled down to sleep.


	2. I Don't Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong's defensive, Seunghyun's confused, and Daesung's perverted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for everyone who had to wait for this! I know it's not a massive chapter, and it's not the best writing in the world, but I've been really busy with friends, family, school and personal issues lately. I've tried my best with this and hopefully, it doesn't disappoint you guys. This is also posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb as usual.

Daesung’s first mood swing of the night was in favour of irritation. Seungri was pressed as close as could be to him, one arm and one leg flung over Daesung like he was one of those Japanese body pillows. He shuddered at the thought. Immediately his mind flew into the dark recesses of his imagination, conjuring up twisted images of his Japanese fans clinging to pillows printed with lewd full body shots of himself. Despite how uncomfortable the whole idea made him, somehow Daesung couldn’t stop thinking about it. Eventually, his mind made its way to thinking of what _Seunghyun_ would think if there were D-Lite body pillows. Would he want one himself? You know, just for comfort when they were apart.

Seungri shuffled in his sleep, his leg curling that little bit further around Daesung’s body. The older man ignored it, fixated on what exactly Seunghyun would be doing with this body pillow. As if he knew about his hyung’s dirty mind in action, Seungri kicked out, nailing Daesung in the hip. Daesung yelped and shoved at the younger’s foot, but as he sat up to scold his friend, he was met with the picture of innocence. Sweet, sweet Seungri, sleeping all curled up and cute, how could Daesung even think of disrupting-

“Jesus Christ Hyung!” Seungri whined like a child when Daesung kicked him in the stomach. “Why would you do that to me?”

“You’re a little shit, even in your sleep.”

“Can the both of you shut up, please?” Youngbae, ever the exasperated mother, groaned from where he was hidden at the bottom of the bed. Both Daesung and Seungri huffed, shared a look, and settled back down to sleep.

This time, Daesung wasn’t bothered by thoughts of body pillows and Seungri’s various limbs. Instead, Daesung found his restless mind wandering into darker depths. Darker than before. A sudden wave of self-doubt took over his body, and he thought of the other two members, his leader and oldest Hyung, cuddled close together, whispering nonsense to one another, invoking hushed laughter. He thought of Seunghyun’s hands - strong and defined - roaming over Jiyong’s soft stomach. He thought of Jiyong’s eyes, sweet and innocent and enticing. Maybe that’s what Seunghyun preferred in a guy. Maybe that’s what he preferred in a woman, too? Daesung… did not fit that description.

So why was Seunghyun dating _him_?

Daesung shook his head, cursing his own mentality. Seunghyun was a loving, caring man. He just wanted to look after his longtime friend and leader. He wasn’t out there trying to cheat on him or anything. Of course not. This is _Choi Seunghyun_.

*********

Seunghyun awoke to the soft caress of Jiyong’s fingertips on his jaw. He took Jiyong’s hand in his own and kissed his knuckles. Jiyong sighed quietly, and when Seunghyun dropped their hands, he saw the mix of emotions on his leader’s face. Seunghyun’s stomach dropped through the floor, suddenly seeming to realise who he was and what he’d done. The plan had been to lift Jiyong’s spirits a little, nothing more.

“I think we… went too far…” Jiyong spoke carefully, as if he was reading Seunghyun’s mind. When the other man remained silent, Jiyong poked his cheek. “You said you’d speak to Daesung.”

“Yeah, but I don’t really know what to say. Am I just supposed to tell him I kissed you?” Seunghyun sounded agitated, but his face was remorseful more than anything. “Jiyong, you’re an incredibly important person in my life but-”

“I’m not into you like that,” Jiyong sat up suddenly and rested his weight on his arms that were outstretched behind him. He raised an eyebrow, as if expecting a challenge.

The casual way he spoke caught Seunghyun off guard and his lips parted slightly as he tried to regain his train of thought. He knew Jiyong got defensive easily when it came to love. He’d shut down the other person before they could reject or leave him to save his feelings. Seunghyun, however, was not having it today.

“Listen to me Jiyong, just for a second. Last night, I intended to lift your spirits a bit and help you feel better about yourself. Like I was saying, you’re really important to me so I want to do everything I can to help you. But, honestly? I don’t know why I kissed you. I have a boyfriend, and he means the world to me.”

“So we’re on the same page?”

“I guess so.”

“Cool,” Jiyong flung the bed sheets to the side and threw on a black hoodie and ripped jeans before throwing a peace sign at Seunghyun and slipping outside. Seunghyun sniffed in amusement before slowly laying his head back on the pillows. Clearly, he’d hit a nerve there. As he was drifting back to sleep, Seunghyun mulled over what to say to Daesung.

*********

It was far too early for even the staff to be up. Jiyong hugged himself tightly as he walked away from the makeshift campsite. The morning air was chilly, and his small breaths came out as wisps of fog. Jiyong could feel tears prickling in the corners of his eyes but refused to let them fall. He’d told Seunghyun he didn’t like him - it was the right thing to do, so why was he so disgruntled? Maybe it was his pride that was bruised, from his Hyung telling him he wasn’t interested.

“Well technically… He didn’t say he didn’t like me…” The petite man mumbled to himself as he picked up the pace a little and ended up strolling, still wrapped tightly in his own arms. He kept replaying the events of the previous night in his head, but it only made him more upset. Seunghyun was the one who’d kissed him, the selfish bastard. Who was he to instigate feelings within Jiyong’s heart? Especially when he was already devoted to someone else.

Eventually, Jiyong took notice of his surroundings. He’d made his way into the small field that lay adjacent to their set up. He turned to gaze at the campsite and saw that the some of the staff were beginning to pack up equipment. Sighing, Jiyong looked towards the sky. He wasn’t a religious man, but maybe some divine intervention would do him good these days. Reluctantly, Jiyong began dragging his feet back the way he’d come, not quite prepared for the possible shit show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm completely open to any corrections that I may have missed and of course, constructive criticism is always welcome! And once again, please do give me feedback on your opinion as this as a series, so that I can see if it's worthwhile in continuing. Thank you for reading! ^^


	3. Act Casual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of panicking on Seunghyun's part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've just gotten back from a week's holiday, and unfortunately, there wasn't any WIFI where I was staying so I'm sorry this has taken so long to post. I can guarantee the fourth chapter next Sunday though~ As always, this is also posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

Seunghyun heard the crew moving things around outside on the stones and anticipated the knock on his door. A sharp call of “We’re leaving in about 30 minutes!” sounded through the walls, and it was echoed by another staff member knocking on the other camper van to wake the other members. Despite already being awake, Seunghyun moved sluggishly. Like Jiyong had done earlier, Seunghyun simply threw on a hoodie and jeans. Seunghyun’s jeans were not ripped, however. He didn’t see the point in paying more money for less fabric, even if it was considered “fashion” these days.

Upon stepping outside, Seunghyun had to wince against the light. He heard the other three members leave their campervans, and light footsteps approached him from his right. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he recognised Daesung and immediately his brain jumped into anxiety mode.

“What if he finds out?!”

“What if he breaks up with you?!”

“What if he never trusts you again?!”

“How will this affect the group?!”

“What if he already knows?!”

Seunghyun was wrenched out of his thoughts by Daesung touching his arm gently. Seunghyun frowned at the nicety. _Don’t be nice to me,_ he wanted to say, _I’ve done something I shouldn’t have._

“Seunghyun, you’re sweating. Are you okay?” Daesung brought his hand up to wipe away the beads of the sweat that had formed on Seunghyun’s face. The older man flinched but nodded anyway. Daesung gave him a strange look and opened his mouth to speak again, but was cut off by Seungri.

“Hyung, how come Jiyong’s not with you? Where is he?”

Daesung hummed in agreement as Seungri leaned on his shoulder. Seunghyun coughed awkwardly before croaking out an “I’m not sure.” Daesung gave him that same odd look from before.

“You really need this weekend off, don’t you?” He murmured quietly. Seunghyun nodded again, already relieved at the mere thought of being able to spend two days trying to sort himself out before having to face either Jiyong or Daesung. As if Daesung could read his mind, the younger man followed up the comment with “Perhaps I should stay with you to make sure you’re okay then...” Internally, Seunghyun grimaced. Not exactly what he needed. However, he managed to keep his exterior fairly neutral. If Daesung saw him practically oppose his company, he’d know for sure something was horribly wrong. 

It seemed the pair had completely forgotten about Seungri, despite him literally hanging off of Daesung’s shoulder. He was looking between the two men, clearly formulating his own crazy fantasies of what was happening.

All three men had their concentration broken by one of the staff members shouting loudly. “Jiyong! What were you doing over there?”

Everyone turned to see Jiyong wandering back up to the campsite which was now completely void of equipment. Their leader looked crestfallen, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around his body as if to shield himself. Seunghyun stared blankly at him until Jiyong met his eyes, and both men quickly averted their gazes, Jiyong turning to the staff to explain his little wonder, and Seunghyun turning back to Daesung who still looked mildly concerned by Seunghyun’s behaviour.

After the staff had finished grilling Jiyong on his whereabouts, they gathered the other members and informed them that after returning to the company building they would be allowed two free days.

“So you’re giving us this weekend off?” Seungri clarified.

“Yes, YG says you’ve all worked hard recently.” The staff all looked impatient - desperate to hurry home.

The members shared disbelieving looks. Seungri mouthed a “no way” at Jiyong who shrugged, looking equally confused. Seunghyun couldn’t quite grasp the idea that their boss was actually letting them take two days off. Two whole days without work. _Incredible._

Daesung took hold of the older man’s wrist in excitement. In his mind, that meant two full days with his favourite person in the whole wide world. In Seunghyun’s mind, that meant two full days - which would be a blessing in any other situation - of strain and guilt.

The staff began to get into their respective vehicles, motioning for the members to follow suit. Daesung pulled Seunghyun’s stiff body over to one van while the older man turned his head just in time to see Youngbae grasp Jiyong’s arm gently and lead him towards where Seungri was holding the door of the second van open for them. Jiyong’s odd demeanour had naturally caused worry between the two members, and as Seunghyun seated himself, he wondered briefly if Daesung had also noticed. Surely, he must have. Daesung was always good to Jiyong, looking out for him and cheering him up. Perhaps in the excitement of spending time off with Seunghyun, Daesung had glossed over the leader’s suddenly distant behaviour. Either way, Seunghyun supposed, he couldn’t really dwell on it much longer. He had to start formulating the plan for confessing to Daesung.

_Or you could just… not._

No, that wouldn’t be right. Seunghyun absolutely was going to take advantage of the two days to explain to Daesung what had happened, and then give him some privacy to work things over before the group comes back together. It’s the least he could do for the love of his life.

“Seriously. What is up with you today?” Daesung poked Seunghyun’s cheek, causing him to startle slightly. “Both you and Jiyong… Did something happen last night?” Seunghyun felt his entire body seize up, and Daesung pulled away slowly.

So he had noticed...

“Nothing- Nothing happened. Don’t worry about anything,” Seunghyun spoke quietly and Daesung leaned back in his seat, content to believe his boyfriend for now.

The staff member driving gave the pair a suspicious look in the rear view mirror. Once Daesung noticed, he smiled obnoxiously bright, and the driver ducked her head back down. Seunghyun chuckled and laid his hand on Daesung’s knee, effectively reassuring him for the rest of the ride back to Seunghyun’s place. The driver gave them another look when both men made to get out of the van, and this time Seunghyun just stared coldly at her mid-exit - one leg out of the door - before Daesung took him by the elbow and tugged gently, coaxing him out of the van completely. The driver took off, probably faster than she should have, and Daesung mumbled something akin to “madwoman” as they watched her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Corrections and constructive criticism are always welcome, along with any other form of feedback anyone has for me. Thanks for reading ^^


	4. Lovesick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngbae's a supportive bastard, damn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do believe this is the fastest update for this fic. Thanks for sticking around everyone~ Also posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

Jiyong didn’t remember much the next time he awoke. The telltale pounding in his head was enough for him to assume that things had gone awry. He did, however, recall the puppy eyes of Seungri which were laced with worry and the steady arm of Youngbae as he was lead into his apartment.

Carefully, Jiyong hoisted himself into a sitting position, causing the thin bed sheets to slip from his torso. At least he had made it into bed. The group had left the campsite in the early morning of Friday, but as far as Jiyong could tell from the dim light, it was late afternoon now. As he swung his legs out of bed, his foot connected with a bottle, and Jiyong peered down at the floor. Three expensive looking wine bottles met his gaze, all of them seemingly empty and discarded. Jiyong grimaced and nudged them aside as he stood shakily.

Jiyong shuffled around the house in his boxers, checking if anyone was present to witness his slight meltdown. In the kitchen, a note addressed to him was lying on the marble countertop, explaining his sister’s whereabouts as well as her plans to return home next week. Jiyong sighed deeply. Perhaps if Dami were here he’d feel more at ease, as he could talk to his Noona quite openly without fear of judgement.

“At least she’s out having fun…” Jiyong mumbled to himself. He decided to make some hangover cure, shower and put some actual clothes on. However, Jiyong quickly gave up on the cure upon seeing his baren fridge. Now he also had to worry about food. Fantastic.

“I’ll just order something, I guess…” he mumbled to himself, heading into the bathroom for a nice hot shower.

In his sorry state, Jiyong apparently miscalculated how long he’d stand in the shower, staring at the tiles on the floor, before he realised that he still had his underwear on. After fixing that problem, he faced another, more serious challenge.

He didn’t want to get out of the shower.

That’s how Jiyong ended up curled into a ball against the shower wall, feeling the water getting cooler as it ran down his back in sheets. His head was tucked against his knees which had been brought up so far that they hid most of his body. Jiyong had always been pretty flexible. Raking his painted nails over his thighs, Jiyong repeated his little mantra - the one he’d had tattooed on his thighs for this exact purpose.

“Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale…”

Streaks of red covered his skin, causing the ink to pop in almost an attention-seeking way. He didn’t care and kept digging his nails into the tender skin.  
Jiyong barely registered the sound of his front door swinging open and slamming shut, nor did he pay much mind to the call of his name. The voice was familiar, but Jiyong found no comfort in it.

When Youngbae finally found him, cowering under the steady spray of lukewarm water, all Jiyong could manage was a weak “hi” before tears began streaming down his face. For a second, Youngbae dismissed the tears as water from the shower, but once Jiyong’s head dipped, he immediately jumped into action. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap around Jiyong, gently pulling him up from the floor and speaking softly to soothe him.

Once dried and dressed in sweatpants and the biggest, fluffiest jumper Youngbae could find, Jiyong settled himself onto his bed while Youngbae took his place beside him. Neither spoke for a minute, the silence was stretched out and yet comfortable at the same time.

“Seems like you drank a lot after we left…” Youngbae said quietly. If it were anyone else, Jiyong would have been afraid of being judged for his current situation, but Youngbae’s tone was casual and soft. Caring.

Jiyong moved to lie with his head buried in the mountain of pillows and hummed in agreement. Youngbae watched as he wiggled about, pulling his arms around himself for warmth.

“Comfy in that?” He asked, referring to the jumper. Jiyong looked like he was drowning in it, but it seemed cosy.

Jiyong hummed again, a small smile appearing on his face. Youngbae nodded slowly before rearranging the pillows behind him so he could lean on them. He sighed a little before asking the question that had brought him back to Jiyong’s place.

“What’s going on, Ji? Don’t bullshit me, something has obviously happened, whether it’s got something to do with Seunghyun, I don’t know, but as one of your closest friends, I’d like to think you can talk to me.”

Jiyong watched as Youngbae’s mouth twisted slightly like he wanted to say more but was stopping himself. He pondered over his words before answering.

“There are some things I thought I’d never tell anyone, you know…” Jiyong started carefully, “but I’ve always ended up telling you. This time it involves more than me, though. I’m not sure what to do, Bae,” Jiyong paused, trying to collect his thoughts.

“You know I can’t help if you don’t tell me what-”

“I’m getting there! Jesus,” Jiyong huffed, eyeing Youngbae to make sure he wouldn’t interrupt him again. Youngbae gave him this look, like he was paying attention, but was clearly mocking him all the same.

“So basically, last night Seunghyun wanted to reassure me about my body and the… insecurities I have. And we ended up getting really close - like physically speaking - and then he kissed me.”

Youngbae nodded, choosing to stay silent until prompted.

“What are your thoughts then?” Jiyong felt silly asking a question like that. It wasn’t as if they were here discussing the weather.

“Seunghyun kissed you?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you feel about it? Since Seunghyun’s seeing Daesung…” Youngbae slid down to match Jiyong’s posture, lying on the bed.

“I felt weird at the time. I think… I liked it? But I felt really guilty too… Daesung means a lot to me, just like any member does. And this morning, when I left to go for a walk, I told him I didn’t like him and he said he felt the same so it should all be fine, shouldn’t it?”

“But it isn’t fine because you actually like him?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t felt this way before.”

“What way?”

“Like the sky’s crashing down and the ground’s caved in and my heartstrings are pulled so tight they might snap-” Jiyong stopped mid-sentence, realising what he sounded like. “Oh…” he said.

**“Am I lovesick?”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, feedback is welcome as well as any corrections that I missed or constructive criticism. Thanks for reading and leaving kudos ^^


	5. Perks Of Artistic Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daesung's still a scaredy cat and Seunghyun's got nice big windows. That's not a euphemism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really grateful to everyone who's read and who continues to read this fic, I'll be honest and say it may not be amazing and perfect but it's also the first chaptered fic I've ever published before so the response I'm getting is truly a blessing. Please enjoy chapter five~ Also posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

“I’m assuming you had some sort of plan for the weekend, then?”

Daesung snorted. “What could have possibly made you think that, Seunghyun?”

Seunghyun shrugged and flopped onto the sofa of his spacious living room, getting himself comfortable. Daesung leaned against the marble counter on the opposite side of the room, dragging his eyes around, taking it all in. It had been a while since he’d been able to take time to appreciate Seunghyun’s villa.

Light spilt into the room via the massive floor-to-ceiling windows that covered up the entire wall behind the sofa. Dark wood flooring contrasted the stark white of the walls, and as there always was, art pieces littered the walls, many of them abstract and incomprehensible. Well, incomprehensible to Daesung, at least. Seunghyun found so much peace and joy in artwork that Daesung often tried to educate himself in the field, but he’d long ago accepted that he’ll never fully come to grasp the connection that his boyfriend had made with the art world.

It was exciting though, having a partner so invested in art. Every time Daesung came over, he wondered what new piece he’d see. A painting, a sculpture, a chair? Last Valentine’s, Daesung had subtly let himself in while Seunghyun was sleeping. His objective had been to make a surprise breakfast for his sweetheart, but instead, Daesung was the one who’d been surprised. He’d waltzed into the kitchen, only to be scared absolutely shitless by the new sculpture Seunghyun had decided to hang from the ceiling. Daesung had screeched, Seunghyun had woken, and it all went downhill from there. As far as Daesung knew, the sculpture was still there, in possibly the most inconvenient space it could be. He didn’t dare challenge the placement out loud, though. It was Seunghyun’s house, after all.

“Come sit with me,” Seunghyun pouted from the sofa, wrenching Daesung from his trip down memory lane.

“Sit where? Your long ass legs take up all the space!”

Seunghyun lifted his legs up and gave Daesung a pointed look, which was returned equally as pointed before Daesung settled down next to him and let his legs rest on his lap.

“So _did_ you have anything planned?”

“No, I just wanted to spend time with one of my favourite members of BigBang.”

“One of? Are you telling me I’m not your “ultimate bias” Daesung?” Seunghyun kept his pouty face and Daesung laughed, leaning over to peck his lips.

“What the hell is an ultimate bias?”

“It’s what the fans call their number one favourite idol or something,” Seunghyun said, shifting his legs so that Daesung could lie in between them, head on his chest.

“You need to give SNS a break, seriously.”

“Why don’t you try it, at least? It’s a really nice way to connect with our loving, totally not insane fans, and maybe they’ll stop speculating about your eight wives and thirteen children then!”

“They don’t really think that, do they?” Daesung squinted at Seunghyun in disbelief.

“Well maybe if you used SNS they wouldn’t have to.”

“Shut up,” it was Daesung’s turn to pout now.

Seunghyun wrapped his arms around Daesung as they both fell quiet. It was a comfortable silence, and Seunghyun sighed happily. It was as if all the stress and uncertainty of the morning had melted away, leaving a content, fulfilled centre. Seunghyun found himself actually breathing easier as he let all the bad thoughts slip away. This is what Daesung did for him. And he loved him so, so much for it. He needed Daesung, and he wouldn’t ever let him go.

“What are you thinking about?” Daesung asked quietly as if he were afraid he’d ruin the moment.

“How much I love you,” Seunghyun answered truthfully.

“You tryna fuck?” Daesung deepened his voice an octave or two and smirked at Seunghyun.

The sudden outburst had Seunghyun cackling, while Daesung wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“How dare you make fun of our first romantic conversation!” Seunghyun gasped after catching his breath.

“You started it - stop thinking so much about me!” Daesung slapped his chest lightly. “It wasn’t even romantic, you just wanted in my pants!”

“You gotta give me props though, I made it there. Eventually.”

“You know where else you made it?”

“Where?”

Daesung took a deep breath and sat up onto his knees, putting on his best lovesick-anime-schoolgirl face. “ _Into my heart_ ,” he swooned dramatically. Seunghyun eyed him for a full ten seconds before speaking.

“You disgust me.”

“I know,” Daesung grinned, clearly pleased with himself. He laid back down so Seunghyun could hug him again, and so he could pepper the other man’s face with feather-light kisses.

“Are you trying to eat me?” Seunghyun chuckled.

“Maybe…” Daesung sent a greasy wink Seunghyun’s way, to which he returned with an eye roll.

“What’s with you today? You’re too excited,” Seunghyun questioned Daesung once he’d ceased attacking his face.

“I’m making up for you,” Daesung replied, poking Seunghyun in the chest. Seunghyun’s face dropped and suddenly all the bad thoughts came rushing back. It felt like his chest had caved in and his body was too heavy. Immediately, Seunghyun regretted being so lenient and allowing Daesung to come back here. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to curl up in bed and never get out.

Daesung, having known Seunghyun for more than half his life, picked up on the change in mood almost instantly.

“Seunghyun,” he spoke gently and rested a hand on his cheek, “did you take your medication this morning?”

Seunghyun shook his head, prompting Daesung to get up.

“I’ll go get them. Wait here,” Daesung headed towards the bathroom where he knew all the medication was kept. As Seunghyun watched him go, thoughts clashed inside his head, both good and bad, but it all ended up as the same problem.

_You did something bad, and he’ll find out one way or another._

To Seunghyun, it felt like a millennia before Daesung came back, pills and a glass of water in hand. Seunghyun sat up but grasped Daesung’s hand as he held out the small container.

“I need to tell you something, Dae.”

“And I need you to take these-” Daesung stopped when he saw how desperate Seunghyun looked. He sat down next to him and set the water on the coffee table in front of them. “What is it?”

“I’ve done something… bad.”

“What does that mean?”

“I think you might hate me for it,” Seunghyun looked everywhere but Daesung’s face, his voice getting quieter by the second.

“I couldn’t hate you for anything, Seunghyun,” Daesung put his free hand on Seunghyun’s shoulder.

“You always say that, but I think I’ve really ruined it now.”

“Just tell me. You can tell me anything, Seunghyun.” Daesung moved his hand from Seunghyun’s shoulder and cupped his jaw, locking their eyes together. "Anything."

Seunghyun sighed heavily, and his stomach lurched. 

“I kissed Jiyong last night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I can't tell if y'all want a shitshow or a happy ending or what at this point but hopefully people enjoy whatever may come. I'm grateful for any feedback, corrections that I've missed myself, and any constructive criticism you can give. Thank you so much for reading!


	6. Just A Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe everyone needs to take a chill pill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been like three years since chapter five... I'm sorry ;-; I got really ill and was in a bad place for a while, and I was super busy on top of it all. I have a lot of excuses~ I'll try to update when I can, after December things should be a bit smoother until about March - June. Thanks for having patience. As usual, this will also be posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

“You did… what?”

“I kissed Jiyong,” Seunghyun repeated himself.

Daesung was completely silent, completely still next to Seunghyun on the sofa. Seunghyun couldn’t bear to look at him, instead choosing to mentally trace the lines in the floor beneath them. Daesung’s face was contorted, twisted somewhere between confusion and sadness. He was looking at Seunghyun, gaging the options he had now. Clearing his throat, Daesung stood up slowly. He picked up the glass of water on the coffee table and handed it to Seunghyun, along with the pills.

“Take those.”

Seunghyun looked up, eyes glassy with unwept tears, and hesitantly took the items. His fingers brushed against Daesung’s palm, and the younger man tensed like he was ready to jerk away.

“Take them,” Daesung said again, his voice breaking this time, and his face scrunched up as if he was trying not to make a scene. He was trying to hold everything in.

Seunghyun nodded and popped two of the tiny capsules into his mouth, dowing the water straight away. As the glass hit the coffee table once more, Daesung turned on his heel and made his way towards the door, hurrying a little, like he couldn’t wait to get out. Seunghyun felt his throat close up while he watched him go, but he couldn’t find the strength to go after him, or even call out in a final appeal for forgiveness. Instead, he stayed hunched over, waiting for the slam of the door.

Daesung pressed his forehead against the wall once he was out of Seunghyun’s sight. The coolness of the surface soothed him, allowing him to regain his sanity for a few extra seconds. He almost scoffed when he realised that there were no footsteps, no calls of his name - that Seunghyun was not following him. He took a deep breath in and pushed off of the wall, this time intent upon leaving.

The sound of the door shutting was surprisingly peaceful, Seunghyun found. There was no slam, no malice behind it. Seunghyun slouched back into the sofa, wanting to cry. The tears were welling in his eyes, they were mere nanometres from falling, but they wouldn't come. Rather than crying, Seunghyun could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. His entire body was heavy, he couldn’t move, and all he wanted to do was sit there and cry and cry until all the negative feelings were flushed out through the tears. It was as if his body was denying him of even that, and so Seunghyun was forced to endure the desperation and regret eating up his soul, the crumbling of his heart, and the absolute helplessness that came with it.

Daesung lingered outside. He knew what Seunghyun was about to put himself through. A part of him - a massive part - wanted to stay and to tell him that actually, everything was okay. But that would be a lie. This was not okay at all.

“Maybe I’m overreacting…” Daesung muttered, trying to clear his mind to properly think.

It was just a kiss, after all. Most people wouldn’t even care, would they? Daesung shook his head. He decided to think about it more when he got home. If he stayed here, he might end up forgiving Seunghyun too soon.

It wasn’t particularly cold outside, but Daesung ended up hugging himself all the way home. Perhaps out of a need for comfort? When he finally returned home, he instantly broke down. His face was flooded with quiet tears, and every now and then he hiccuped. Daesung tried to act like he actually wasn’t crying uncontrollably and went to fix himself a drink. Usually, Daesung didn’t drink much alcohol, especially during the day, but he dismissed that particular characteristic today in favour of drowning his feelings in wine, and maybe even a little beer. 

*****

Seunghyun balled his hands up, grasping at the fabric of his jeans almost tight enough to rip. After a few uncertain minutes where he had teetered on the edge of a panic attack, Seunghyun had ended up completely hunched over, head between his knees and his chest heaving. His first instinct was to call Daesung and apologise and beg for forgiveness, but he quickly dismissed the impulse. Seunghyun just wanted to disappear. To fall through the floor into the void, to lose himself so entirely that nothing would matter anymore, so that he could relax and be happy for even the briefest period. He thought about just chugging some sedatives and curling up in bed, but he knew that would be dangerous. Daesung had always been worried about Seunghyun and those sedatives - he thinks it’s far too easy to overdose if you’re an insomniac.

_He’s right,_ Seunghyun thought. _Super easy way out._

“I can’t think like this,” he spoke aloud this time. Seunghyun sat up straight and sighed deeply. He rose from the sofa slowly, refilled the glass with water, and dragged his heavy body through the halls to his bedroom. Even if he couldn’t sleep, it was still a safe, secure environment for Seunghyun, one that he valued more than many things. He could probably watch some art house films or something, they usually make him feel better about whatever situation he’d got into.

Seunghyun barely got halfway through the film he’d pick out before he felt his eyelids getting heavier. He became all too aware of how soft and comfortable the bed was, and slowly, he let himself slip into the grips of what would be a long sleep.

*****

Similarly, it seemed that Daesung had also found his way to his bed, in need of the comfort he felt from being wrapped securely in large blankets, sinking down into mountains of pillows. Daesung was very much drunk, and it made gathering his blankets and pillows a rather difficult task. His head hurt, and his heart hurt, and Daesung just wanted to sleep but found that he couldn’t, too busy tossing and turning. Just as he thought he’d settled down finally, something would put him off - be it a thought, an emotion, or even Seungri calling him to ask if he wanted to go out for lunch somewhere. Daesung had told him to fuck off in very eloquent (drunk) Korean. Perhaps sleep would come soon, he thought. It had to.

*****

Seungri huffed as he was hung up on. Under his breath, he made a witty remark about how drunk Daesung sounded. His assistant giggled slightly but avoided eye contact when he raised his head.

“At least someone wants to spend time with me,” Seungri sighed, smiling gratefully up at her.

“... I just need you to sign these papers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback, constructive criticism and anything else you have to say is helpful and motivational so thank you in advance ^^ and as always, thank you for putting up with whatever kind of upload schedule this is and for continuing to read my rubbish.


	7. Love Of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngbae's got a mother's instinct.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back after 2 and a bit months and actually, I feel great! This is a Christmas present to everyone's who been supporting me and reading this fic. Although honestly, this isn't in the Christmas spirit, sorry :( Over the next week or so I'm going to be updating my AO3 every day (except for site maintenance on the 27th December) with the one-shots I've written that have yet to be posted. Thanks so much for the support I've gotten despite this being so inconsistent with updates, I love you all dearly <3 Also posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

_One, two, three, four…_

Is there someone knocking on the door?

_Five, six, seven, eight…_

Who is he really going to hate?

There was a murmur, the slightest noise. It crept into the little bubble of safety and bounced off of the walls. But it maintained its irrelevancy. It was just a murmur. Eventually, it died down completely, and the silence was returned. But it didn’t last. Louder noises breached the bubble, the vibrations caused by the sound pulling the walls taught, making it smaller than it already was until, finally, it burst.

Seunghyun gasped as his head was yanked out of the water, oxygen clawing its way back into his lungs. His ears rang and rang with noise, but he couldn’t understand anything. It was all too difficult. It was all too complicated. He couldn’t even see anything, his sight was hazy and everything was just blocks of colour convulsing and jerking around. And his head - his head was so heavy. It was pounding and he didn’t know why, didn’t know how to stop it. That’s it, stop. He just wanted everything to stop. Everything needed to move slowly, and stop. Please.

“-hyun? Seunghyun!”

The shaking and the shouting brought Seunghyun back to some form of consciousness. He blinked a couple times and tried to control his breathing, taking deep inhales and slow exhales. Gradually, Seunghyun found himself able to take in the moment, albeit spottily. 

First, he noticed the tiles. He was in the bathroom, on the floor. Clothed in just his sleepwear and sopping wet. The uncomfortable dig in his back told him he was leaning against the bath, which supplied him the answer of why he was wet. Next, Seunghyun managed to understand the words being spoken to him in hushed tones. It was one voice, very gentle, very soft. Nice to hear. The voice apparently belonged to the arms that rested on Seunghyun’s shoulders because as the voice said “you need to change these clothes,” they began removing his shirt. At first, Seunghyun squirmed like a child - he hated being exposed to anyone at any time - but the hands belonging to the mysterious arms cupped Seunghyun’s face and carefully tipped it up so he could see the anonymous person.

Seunghyun gazed into the man’s shimmering eyes, not quite knowing what to say. His brain had registered who it was, but his body betrayed him in that it began to shut down. His shoulders slumped back against the bath and his head tried to drop back down, but Jiyong held him gently in place, if not a bit firmly. Seunghyun saw Jiyong’s face crumple into worry as his vision faded to black.

*****

Jiyong groaned as he heaved Seunghyun’s limp body onto a towel he’d placed on the bed. Having removed his clothes in the bathroom, Jiyong set about drying him off and picking out new sleepwear. It was eerily silent in the bedroom, and Jiyong found himself shaking as he buttoned up Seunghyun’s shirt. Refusing to sit still, he gathered up the towels and damp clothes and threw them into the dryer before draining the bath and setting about mopping the floor of the bathroom. In hindsight, perhaps he should have done the floor first because now there was another damp towel. Either way, Jiyong thought, that meant he could stay busy with another load of laundry since he’d seen that the hamper was almost full. 

He didn’t know why, but Jiyong had this nagging need to keep moving. Keep busy. He needed to do _something_ , and if that something happened to be Choi Seunghyun’s laundry then so be it. It was all he _could_ do for him now.

A few minutes on saw Jiyong sitting on the cold, tiled floor of Seunghyun’s laundry room, staring blankly at the dryer. This was Jiyong’s me time. He sat still, legs crossed, back slumped forward slightly, ignoring those copious lessons of ballet where the instructor had always called him out on his bad posture. God, her voice was irritating. If only she could see him now. Kwon Jiyong - G-Dragon - megastar of Asia, sitting sad and alone on the floor of a laundry room contemplating his life choices. Posture was barely his first priority these days. Jiyong scoffed to himself, absentmindedly straightening his back. In the panic that came with finding your best friend drowning, he seemed to have forgotten why he’d come to Seunghyun’s house.

After a heart to heart with Youngbae, Jiyong had decided that he’d call Seunghyun, maybe ask to talk about it over dinner or drinks or whatever. After three missed calls and no “I’m busy, sorry” text, Jiyong became worried. Youngbae had been ordering dinner for the both of them and suggested that maybe Jiyong should go visit. And here we are.

Jiyong hummed to himself and whipped out his phone.

_“Thanks for the tip. I’m gonna stay here, do you wanna bring the pizza over?”_

**BaeBae: “Everything good?”**

_“Idk, but I’m hungry and lonely :(“_

**BaeBae: “Don’t :( me. I’m coming now”**

Jiyong smiled at his phone, sending a couple of hearts just as the dryer finished its cycle. He collected the towels and clothes, folded them, and carried them back into the bedroom so he could start organising them into their proper places. Seunghyun stirred on the bed and for a split second, Jiyong felt his heart leap out of his chest. He turned to watch as Seunghyun shifted slightly on the bed. He didn’t even wake. Jiyong rolled his eyes at himself.

“Dumbass,” he muttered as he resumed his oh-so-important task.

Jiyong stepped into the walk-in wardrobe, fully intending to do nothing more than hang up the clothes and leave, when something caught his eye. Because of course. It was a gleaming, sapphire blue box - the purest blue Jiyong had ever seen - pushed to the back of a shelf that served as a shoe rack beneath a row of coats. The coats just about brushed the top of the box, mostly hiding it from view.

Jiyong stood there, admiring the gold trim around the edge of the box. He shouldn’t, he really _shouldn’t_. But it looked imperfect somehow, as if this wasn’t its proper place. Maybe Seunghyun was looking at it before he got in the bath? Well, then it would hold importance, lots of importance.

“Which is exactly why I shouldn’t touch it _at all_ ,” Jiyong mumbled, reaching for the box.

He peeked out of the doorway to check on Seunghyun, he was still unconscious on the bed. He seemed peaceful enough. Jiyong ran his finger over the smooth material. The box was decently sized, rectangle in shape and very light. It felt empty, almost. There was no lock, just a dent on the front of the lid, small enough that it wouldn’t mar the beauty of the object, but just big enough to fit the tip of a thumb inside it. Jiyong lifted the lid carefully, anticipating the worst of the worst. He didn’t even know what the worst of the worst would be, but he feared it nonetheless. Surprisingly, Jiyong had not just opened Pandora’s Box. Instead, the box was chock full of polaroids. Jiyong shuffled through them slowly. They were all candid shots of Seunghyun and Daesung doing cute couple stuff. Some were just them cuddling, kissing one another’s noses, heartwarming shots like that. Others were of Daesung by himself, doing mundane tasks. Clearly, these were taken by Seunghyun. One of the polaroids was of Daesung looking snug in one of Seunghyun’s jumpers, lying on the bed and just looking at his phone. Jiyong flipped it over, revealing Seunghyun’s “caption”.

 **Love Of My Life** was written in messy English letters. Jiyong felt his heartstrings tug, but not in a good way and he made a small sound of what could only be sadness. Suddenly, there was the gentle, dull noise of bare feet against carpet, and Jiyong froze up, polaroid in hand and eyes sparkling with tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback, criticism and kudos are all massively appreciated! Thanks for reading~


	8. He Looked Peaceful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pizza and pink wine makes everything better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consistent updates? On my fic? It's more likely than you think. This'll be posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb as well~

Jiyong knew it was too late to put the box back and hide his actions, so he steeled himself for the impending scolding.

“What’s that?”

Jiyong snapped his head up in surprise. Poking his head through the door was none other than Youngbae. His eyes flickered curiously between the box and Jiyong’s face. Jiyong let out a small “oh” and handed the polaroid in his hand over to Youngbae. He took it gently and looked over it for a couple seconds. He glanced over his shoulder, looking at Seunghyun’s peaceful form.

“Are they all like this?” he spoke softly, gesturing to the box. Jiyong nodded, sniffling a little. Youngbae gently took it from his hands, setting the pictures back inside. “Where was it?”

“Back there a little. Under the coats,” Jiyong pointed to where he’d found the box and Youngbae placed it neatly amongst the shoes.

“I brought the pizza. Let’s go eat,” he suggested, tugging Jiyong out of the wardrobe and through to the living room. Two large pizzas lay on the table.

“Drinks?” Youngbae asked, moving to the kitchen expectantly.

“...Wine?”

“Ji, really?”

Jiyong shrugged sheepishly. “It’s late,” he supplied in response to the quirk of his friend’s eyebrow. Youngbae sighed and pulled out a random bottle of wine from the fridge, along with two glasses from the cupboard. Jiyong eagerly grabbed for the wine bottle as Youngbae put it on the table.

“Don’t judge me,” Jiyong said sharply, without even looking a the older man. Youngbae held his hands up in defence as he sat next to him on the sofa.

“I just think it’s impressive, is all.”

“Impressive my ass,” Jiyong grumbled, filling both glasses with the pinkish liquid.

“I agree, your lack of ass is impressive,” Youngbae beamed at his own joke. Jiyong turned slowly to him with a blank expression. Youngbae held a straight face for a couple of seconds before bursting out into hysterical laughter.

“You’re not funny, you know. I don’t deserve this disrespect,” Jiyong pouted.

“You absolutely do!”

“I don’t!”

“If you don’t want to be the _butt_ of jokes like these then maybe stop showing off your nonexistent ass all the time,” Youngbae giggled again as Jiyong’s face scrunched up cutely.

“Your wife lives with this?”

“Very happily, yes,” Youngbae smiled brightly again, lighting up at the mere thought of his other half.

“You guys are cute,” Jiyong gave him a little smile in return. Youngbae hummed in agreement, taking a pizza slice and biting into it. Jiyong was cradling his wine glass, taking small sips. He was still wearing that oversized jumper from earlier this afternoon, and his hands were mostly covered with the sleeves, only the tips of his fingers peeking out. Youngbae gestured to the pizza with his free hand.

“You’ll lose that figure if you don’t eat. It’ll upset our precious VIPs, you know.”

Jiyong exhaled through his nose in response and picked up the tiniest slither of pizza he could.

*****

Seunghyun lay on his side, facing the hallway leading to the living room. The lights were a little too bright for him, so he closed his eyes and focused on the sounds. He could tell it was Jiyong and Youngbae, and that they were eating something. A small piece of Seunghyun wanted to get up and join them, but the more commanding side of him kept him rooted to the bed. Seunghyun couldn’t bring himself to care, in fact, he found it difficult to care about much at the moment. His head was empty, his emotions were meaningless and everything was just… blank. Blank and quiet.

“I’m just... I want to check on him, is all.”

Seunghyun twitched at the sound of Jiyong moving towards the bedroom. He kept his eyes closed.

“You still haven’t told me what happened.”

A small hum from Jiyong.

“And why he’s unconscious.”

Another hum.

“Is it as bad as I’m thinking?”

“I… I can’t quite say. I’m not sure. I want to say no, but I wasn’t here the whole time.”

Seunghyun could hear the tremor in Jiyong’s voice. He sounded like he was going to cry. Seunghyun sighed internally. There he goes again, causing trouble, upsetting the people most important to him. Youngbae stayed silent and Jiyong made his way to the bedroom. Seunghyun felt his presence next to the bed, and a soft hand lay carefully on his cheek. Seunghyun found it in him to raise his hand at that moment and cover Jiyong’s with it.

“You’re awake?” It was a whisper so soft Seunghyun almost missed it. He opened his eyes slowly. Jiyong was standing in the way of the light so he was able to properly see this time. He looked up at the younger man. Worry was laced within his facial features and the image pulled weakly at Seunghyun’s worn heartstrings. He turned to lay on his back and Jiyong sat beside him on the bed, picking at the sleeve of Seunghyun’s sleepwear.

Seunghyun frowned. This all felt wrong - Daesung is the one who looks after him when he ends up like this. Daesung is the one who lies next to him until he wakes, who brings him food and water when he can’t even muster the energy to get out of bed. Daesung, the love of his life. Instead of Daesung, Jiyong was sitting across from him. Why was Jiyong even in his house? Seunghyun asked him as much, voice hoarse.

Jiyong finally met his gaze, looking for all the world like a lost child. His eyes were wide and sad, and he was fidgeting sheepishly.

“I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the campsite, but when I came in and I found you like that I-”

“Like what?” Seunghyun interrupted. He couldn’t remember much after Daesung left.

“Like… in the bath. It looked like… maybe… like you tried to drown yourself…” Jiyong spoke very slowly. It was as if he were afraid of Seunghyun’s reaction. The man in question huffed arrogantly.

“And what gave you that impression?”

Jiyong visibly flinched at the sudden stern tone, but he continued nevertheless.

“You were fully clothed and the taps were left on so the bath was overflowing and nobody normal decides to have a cold bath in the middle of the night and you looked-” his voice rose until he caught himself. Seunghyun feared he’d scream or cry, or both. Even so, he waited for Jiyong to finish. Jiyong took a deep breath. “You looked so peaceful.”

At that moment, Youngbae came hesitantly into the room. Both men glanced over to him.

“Sorry, I heard the yelling and wanted to make sure that you weren’t at each other’s throats,” Youngbae smiled apologetically, perhaps a little sadly too. Looking at Seunghyun, he added “Feeling okay, Hyung?”

Seunghyun nodded slightly, focusing his gaze on Jiyong who’d gone back to studying the bed sheets.

“Well then,” Youngbae said, approaching the bed. “Is anyone up to telling me what’s gone on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, as usual, feedback in any way is very appreciated!


	9. Pizza & Pink Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wonders of pizza and pink wine are limitless, according to Jiyong. And who's to tell him no?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually happy with myself that I've managed to be a little more consistent these days. I know these chapters aren't particularly long, but that's due to me not having too much time these days. But I do have other chaptered WIPs that will be about double what these are... Also, slight warning for this chapter - drowning is described in detail, so if that upsets you, please skip this chapter. Posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

The silence in the room was suffocating. Jiyong refused to look away from the bedsheets. Youngbae was sat next to him, eyes flickering between Jiyong and Seunghyun. Seunghyun sighed deeply. He honestly didn’t know how to begin his explanation. Nobody spoke for at least a minute or two. A trickle of rain could be heard outside the windows and Seunghyun lent back a bit onto the pillows. Suddenly the atmosphere became less suffocating. Calming, even. Jiyong shuffled about a little, coming to lie next to Seunghyun’s right side. He rested his hand on the older man’s arm, lying on his side so as to face him.

“I told Daesung. He left, he was upset. Obviously. And I took my meds, put on a movie and got into bed. That was this morning,” Seunghyun spoke gently - as if he were afraid of shattering the peace that had settled itself upon the three men. Wracking his brain for the rest of the story, he sighed again. “It was dark when I woke up. It was dark and I…” He found himself choking up very slightly as he tried to continue. “I… After I woke up, I went to the bathroom. I wasn’t thinking right. I got into the bath and just let it run.”

Jiyong tightened his grip on Seunghyun’s arm and pressed his forehead against his shoulder. He mumbled a small “why” into the fabric of Seunghyun’s shirt. Youngbae was sitting silently by the feet of the pair, looking at Seunghyun with worry. At least it wasn’t pity, Seunghyun mused.

“I’m not sure - I mean, I’m not sure whether it’s about wanting to die or not wanting to live. I think I just didn’t want to… _be_.”

“What’s it like? To drown?” Youngbae first words to Seunghyun tonight were not particularly welcome. They came darkly from the man’s mouth, and the morbid mix of curiosity and fear on his face deterred Seunghyun from ignoring him despite the tightening of his chest.

“It was difficult. When the water entered my lungs it felt like fire. Like someone was pouring molten lava down my throat. I wanted to flail and get to oxygen, but I stayed put. And then there was colour. Everything was inundated with yellow, even under the water. Then it went black. Not like a black fade over a few seconds, but it literally just… turned black. I stopped feeling anything after that. I’m not sure if I existed at all in those moments. There was a blinding, pure, white light and I heard something. And then Jiyong pulled me out.”

Yet again, a heavy silence fell over the room like a weighted blanket. Outside, the rain had picked up and it became the only noise the trio heard for a good while. Youngbae had moved closer to Seunghyun without him even noticing. 

“We should call Daesung here…”

“Absolutely not,” Seunghyun’s voice was cold and firm. “It would be like guilt tripping him. I won’t do that to him. Never.”

“Okay, sorry,” Youngbae sat back against the pillows. “I think I should call him at least. Let him know I’m here if he needs anything?”

Jiyong sat up suddenly and hummed in agreement.

“Yes. Do that,” he said, manoeuvring around the two other men on the bed.

“Where are you going?” Seunghyun called after him. Jiyong gave no reply, simply moving into the living room, out of sight. Within a few seconds, he reappeared in the hallway. Pizza box and wine in hand. Youngbae chuckled as he retrieved his phone to shoot a quick message to Daesung.

“Jesus guys… You know it’s 4am, right?”

“On a… Sunday?” Jiyong squinted at Youngbae while he climbed clumsily back onto the bed.

“Yeah, on a Sunday.”

Jiyong stopped in his tracks and looked at him blankly for a second. Youngbae looked back at him, just as blankly.

“Coolio.”

“Jiyong, what about this situation calls for pizza and my pink wine, which, by the way, I don’t recall allowing you to open?” Seunghyun butted in before Youngbae could comment on Jiyong’s odd behaviour.

“It was getting cold!” Jiyong tried to talk through the mouthful of pizza he’d already shoved in. He offered the bottle of wine to Seunghyun who reluctantly brought it to his lips. Jiyong beamed at both Youngbae and Seunghyun like he’d just solved the issue of world hunger with his pizza box and fancy wine.

“Just because I’m taking a slice doesn’t I’m okay with any of this,” Seunghyun grumbled reaching for the pizza. Jiyong shrugged, apparently content with this arrangement. The trio found themselves relaxing with the help of food and wine. It was a stark contrast to how the night had started for them, but none of them acknowledged the drastic change.

Youngbae’s phone buzzed, startling him. Checking the name flashing on his screen, he excused himself, stepping into the bathroom.

“Youngbae?” Daesung’s weak voice came as a shock to Youngbae.

“Hey, you okay Dae? You don’t sound too great-”

“Of course I sound like shit! I’ve been crying and drinking all damn day! I’m sure if your partner up and cheated on you then you’d have some vocal setbacks too!” Daesung was furious and drunk, from the sound of things. In fact, drunkenness seemed to be a theme as of late.

“Listen, dude, I’m not sure whether just a kiss is considered cheating. In practical terms,” Youngbae had no idea where he was going with this. He couldn’t tell if he was trying to mend or worsen Daesung’s relationship with any of them.

“It’s not just a kiss, Bae. They were _romantically intimate_ ,” Daesung spoke slowly, as if he were talking to a child rather than his friend and bandmate of 10 years.

“Well… okay yeah. I get that. But they’re not bad people, are they?”

“I never said anything about what kind of people they are! I’m sad and angry! And it’s like, 5am or something. And my boyfriend _kissed someone other than me_. Who even told you anyway?”

“Jiyong did. Daesung, he was real upset.”

“Good for him. At least he recognises what he’s done-” Daesung let out a long loud yawn, “and hopefully he’ll back the fuck off.”

Youngbae winced internally. He knew Jiyong was more than likely going to try to explore his newfound feelings.

“-anyway. So I’ll just sleep on it. Have a nice Sunday, Youngbae.” Youngbae only caught the end of Daesung’s last sentence, too wrapped up in his thoughts. Daesung had hung up on him, so he returned to the other two.

Jiyong and Seunghyun sat opposite each other, talking quietly and passing the wine bottle between one another.

“Oh, Bae, we need your input!” Jiyong basically threw himself over the bed to latch onto Youngbae’s arm and haul him onto it. “Okay so…” Jiyong giggled drunkenly, like a school girl about to gossip about all her friend’s secrets, “who’s telling Seungri that we’ve compromised the integrity of the group?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback in any form is appreciated~


	10. The Great Seungri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody likes Mondays anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a day (and a bit) late but! It's here nonetheless! No warnings for this chapter, and as usual, this will also be posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb. Also - the end notes contain a proposal I've been thinking about for a while, so I'd really appreciate opinions on it~

Sunday went by with little to say, little to do. Seunghyun found himself once again in his own company, trying to gather his resolve for work the following day.

Daesung had been doing the same, steeling himself for the potential awkwardness. He wasn’t sure exactly how much each member knew about the situation and the thought of having to answer probing questions stressed him out to a dreadful extent.

Nonetheless, Monday arrived. Seungri had asked for a group meeting to discuss everyone’s plans moving forward, and so the five men gathered in the studio, pushing Teddy out the door with the well-meaning suggestion of sunlight which he undoubtedly hadn’t been witness to in a good few months. Seungri sat between Jiyong and Seunghyun, while Youngbae had moved closer to Daesung with a knowing glance. Seungri took it upon himself to lead the discussion.

“Let’s go from youngest to oldest?” He smiled brightly at his bandmates, clearly eager to brag about what he’s working on. Seungri seemed way too excited about the meeting he’d orchestrated, and, collectively, the other members couldn’t help but think this was all just a massive ego stroking session for their under-appreciated baby.

Daesung was barely hanging onto Seungri’s speech (which was apparently prepared). Seungri’s animated way with words was background noise at the moment. Daesung was looking at Seunghyun, watching the way he nodded along with a slight smile, humouring Seungri, looking for all the world like a proud father. To Daesung, there seemed to be a building of tension in the air, pulsating around the room. Whether the uncomfortable feeling had reared its ugly head due to seeing Seunghyun or Jiyong wasn’t clear, but it was making Daesung’s skin crawl. The other members seemed wholly unbothered though, all listening to Seungri with a gentle smile.

“And, once you’ve all shoved off to your military service, I’ll finally get my solo comeback!” Seungri finished triumphantly, just as Daesung tuned back into the conversation.

“Have you prepared anything so far?” Jiyong lay a hand on Seungri’s thigh, leaning in a little. Daesung twitched.

“It’s literally been five years. I have so many songs just collecting dust,” Seungri’s face fell for a moment. “... Do you think I’ll actually get an album?”

“You will. Maybe even a tour! You’ve worked hard and you can finally show that to your fans, Seungri. 2018 will be the year of Lee Seungri,” Youngbae spoke so positively that Seungri’s mood was immediately lifted. He looked at Daesung.

“Your turn Hyung!” Seungri was oblivious to the mental argument Daesung was fighting, but, he supposed, it was probably for the best that nobody could really tell.

“Uh… I’m preparing for my Japanese tour,” Daesung muttered. He couldn’t find it in himself to be excited at the moment.

“How many shows are you planning on?” Jiyong seemed genuinely interested, his face was familiar and comforting. Despite Daesung knowing that Jiyong was truly a kind-hearted person, Daesung couldn’t help the twang his heart gave each time he looked at him.

“They’re going to be shorter than the typical concert so probably around 80, I’d say.”

“That sounds like so much work… Is that healthy?” Seunghyun spoke for the first time in what Daesung felt was years. It had only been a day or so since he last heard his partner’s deep, dulcet tones, but somehow hearing them now made his head spin and his heart yearn.

“Sure,” Daesung didn’t trust his voice much further. His curt reply seemed to turn the atmosphere a little frosty, but he decided he wouldn’t mind it. Jiyong was fidgeting in his seat, no longer looking at him. Seungri was tapping his knee with two fingers, a nervous tick of his. It seems everyone was finally aware of the fragile tension within the room.

“So,” Youngbae coughed awkwardly, forever trying to keep the peace, “Jiyong and I are working on solo albums, and supposedly we’ll both be getting world tours.”

Jiyong nodded as Youngbae spoke. “YG suggested the tour spots for me but I want to add some in Europe…” he mumbled as if he were afraid to talk. “Amsterdam, London, Paris? I’m not sure yet.”

“Do you have plans, Seunghyun?” Seungri suddenly turned to the eldest. “I heard you had a photo shoot,” he continued, nonchalantly, like the thought just popped into his head. Clearly, no-one else was aware of this, as Seunghyun sunk into the sofa.

“I’m supposed to be going to America next Thursday for a photo shoot. It’s like a goodbye photo shoot for the fans. I haven’t really decided on it yet so I didn’t want to say anything,” Seunghyun said sheepishly.

“Why wouldn’t you want to go?” Jiyong asked, voicing everyone’s question.

“I’m not sure, I just think… Shouldn’t I go without a fuss? Since we already recorded that show for the fans, I think it would be overkill.”

“But you’re a model, Hyung! You can’t just go without a fuss! You have to be dramatic! You’re an actor after all,” Seungri whined through half of his words and Seunghyun looked at him incredulously.

“Am I a model or an actor?”  
“You’re both! And that means you have to make a fuss!”

Seunghyun eyed him for a solid few seconds before attacking his stomach without warning. Seungri erupted into a fit of giggles and Jiyong had to jump back to avoid being hit by various flailing arms. Quicker than light, Youngbae had all but launched himself at the pair, ready to indulge in his favourite past time of teasing the youngest member.

Daesung couldn’t keep himself from smiling ever so slightly at the scene before him. This was his family, as rough as he felt right now. It had to be salvageable. It just had to. His eyes met Jiyong’s, who was looking between the trio of idiots and him. Perhaps, just for this moment, Daesung could let his unhappiness go very briefly.

**No.**

Although his mind may have wished for a peaceful day of work with his group, his heart couldn’t let go. Daesung felt that even if he relinquished his anger for a few seconds he’d be eaten alive by the gross, wounding thoughts of his inner self. He wouldn’t allow himself down that endless rabbit hole again, and he couldn’t be tempted by whatever light claimed to be at the bottom. It was a fruitless task that would leave him worse for wear, Daesung knew that from experience. No, now he had to focus on fixing whatever he could of this situation before Seunghyun left for his service, otherwise, there’d be nothing left for him to come home to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Now, the proposal mentioned at the beginning. Basically, I've been thinking for a while that I want to set up a Ko-fi for people who read my work and think it's worthy of any kind of donation. I'm currently a student, and because of pressure from my exams and also my mental health, I'm unable to get a job. I AM financially supported, but I think that having a Ko-fi will not only boost my motivation, but it will also give me a better sense of self-purpose. In addition to fanfiction, I also intend to branch out into writing original fiction (and I am currently working on some as I type this), I could take commissions if people want something specific written for them etc, and perhaps also a blog of some kind where I discuss and explain LGBTQ+ content, as that is something I've always had a passion for. This could range from interviews with queer people to political issues/views and anecdotes from both myself and other people from the community. Now, all this being said, my work will still be available completely for free on AO3 and Tumblr, this Ko-fi is an optional thing for those who want to support the work I do. Obviously, this is all a work in progress which is why I'm asking for opinions from my readers. But anyway, thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any feedback and kudos <3


	11. Blueberry Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This might be the most time Seungri's spent with Seunghyun these past few days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the most fic time Seungri's had so far tbh. We're getting somewhere in this fic! Also, I have set up my Ko-fi page for those of you who would be willing to support my work. It's at [PeaceMinusMotte](https://ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte). If it gains a little traction I would like to open up commissions too~ Anyways, enjoy chapter 11! It will also be posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

“Ah… Hyung. You okay?” Seungri squirmed under the eldest’s piercing stare.

“You’ve been ignoring my calls. And my texts.”

“Have I? Uh… Hyung, I’m sure I just, er… didn’t hear my phone...”

Seunghyun was stood across from Seungri in the narrow space the office lift provided. His gaze was steady and he had a twinkle in his eye which often came with knowing that he had trapped the younger man in a lie. Not an uncommon occurrence within their relationship.

“Oh, what, is _The Great Seungri_ too good for his hyungs now?” Seunghyun moved closer to Seungri, bringing his hands to rest on the wall. Seungri, now encased by lean arms, let out a little squeak of what could only be described as defiance. “You’ve grown,” Seunghyun muttered. Previously, Seungri had only come up to Seunghyun’s chin, or near enough. Now, however, Seungri had suddenly shot up, while Seunghyun had maintained his height. They could almost meet each other at eye level, but at that moment Seungri was trying to curl in on himself to escape Seunghyun. The latter smirked.

“How did you know my schedule?” Seunghyun finally got down to the reason he was so provocative this morning.

“I just… heard,” Seungri shrugged.

The lift stopped and Seungri ducked under Seunghyun’s arm, making a run for it. Seunghyun cursed and gave chase. Both knew their way through the offices of YG Entertainment like the back of their hands, which made this chase one of speed and stamina.

Or, it would have been, had there not been an unprecedented obstacle that particular morning. As Seungri came rattling around a corner, he managed to smack straight into something solid. The momentum sent both Seungri and the obstruction heavily to the ground, and the more Seungri took in the situation, he realised that

A) The obstruction was a someone

and 

B) They might actually be hurt.

Seunghyun hurtled round the corner, in hot pursuit of Seungri, a second or two later, but had the motor skills to avoid the collision on the ground. Instead, he brought himself to a neat halt beside the mess on the floor. He almost rolled his eyes - of course Seungri had run over Daesung of all people. It was like they were in a bad romcom or something.

“You okay?” Seungri hurried to get off of the person he’d knocked down.

“Just about,” Daesung grunted, taking Seunghyun’s outstretched hand without even glancing at him.

Both men stood and checked that neither one of them were injured. Seunghyun stood quietly at the side, unsure of how to go about the situation. He wanted, so badly, to fuss over Daesung like an overprotective boyfriend, kissing him better in a lazy attempt to mask his desire until his partner yanked him somewhere more private. But Seunghyun knew that that kind of affection would be unwelcome, to say the least. He understood that Daesung wanted time, but he still wanted at least a civil friendship. It was as if Seunghyun was in court, waiting for the jury’s verdict on whether or not he’d ever be able to have his most precious relationship again, and the jury was Daesung. Then again, if this was his most precious relationship, why did he throw it all away within a mere few seconds?

The court of love was a tough one.

“Your boyfriend’s harassing me, you know. You should talk to him about intimidation tactics in the workplace. It’s honestly harmful behaviour.”

Seungri’s odd ramblings brought Seunghyun back the present.

“My boyfriend?” Daesung found the word alien on his tongue - he hadn’t thought of Seunghyun in that regard for little more than 72 hours and yet the entire concept felt strange. But it also felt warm, and colourful. It felt safe and hopeful. And perhaps more than anything, Daesung wanted that soft familiarity back. The only problem was the uncertainty. He didn’t know how to go about repairing any of this. He hadn’t even talked to Jiyong since last week, and it would surely be an awkward, tense discussion. Daesung still wasn’t sure if he was overreacting or not.

Seungri coughed. “Yeah, that big guy over yonder. Massive. Couldn’t miss him if you tried.Tall fucker.”

“Come on,” Seunghyun made an executive decision and took Seungri by the wrist, pulling him roughly from the area.

Seunghyun did finally figure out how Seungri had come to know of the impending trip to America, and it came as no surprise. As it turns out, the troublemaker had been eavesdropping on his conversation with YG. Or, rather, (in Seungri’s words) he just so _happened_ to have been walking by while YG and Seunghyun had been discussing the idea and just so _happened_ to pick out that little tidbit and just so _happened_ to have remembered it during the meeting. Sometimes Seunghyun wondered if it was ever by God’s will that Seungri was put on this Earth solely with the purpose of irritating him.

After the office incident, BigBang got down to business. They had begun working more independently. Everyone was so focused on their own plans that there was never really time to consider the others, but a passing smile here and there kept them in contact. Some families tend to stick as close to one another as possible, but like anyone, sometimes they need space. After finally finishing the MADE album, the members saw it as a rare breath of fresh air for them all to work so separated from everyone and so jumped on the opportunities. Seunghyun was the only member who wasn’t caught up almost every minute of the day, and instead, he spent more and more time in art galleries. His place of solace. However, every time he went, no matter the place, no matter the type of art, he couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of missing something. Something vital. Of course, Seunghyun already knew what that was, but tried to push it far back into his subconscious. He saw Daesung in everything, even in the new painting he’d bought.

Blueberry Eyes by Franz Kline. Each stroke boasted talent and passion beyond comprehension and every colour that lay on that canvas whispered their stories and secrets to the house. To Seunghyun, each pigment portrayed Daesung’s characteristics.

The blue - his loyalty, his intelligence. Daesung’s mind fascinated Seunghyun to no end. The dark green brought in the growth Daesung has experienced in his life, the growth forced upon him from so young. The stark white streak shined as Daesung’s innocence and purity shined. The tiniest splash of red at the top of the painting… his strength, passion and love, hidden though it may be. Finally, the black. Creeping in from below. Almost disguised from view. Black, in Seunghyun’s mind, represented the battle Daesung had struggled through ever since 2011. Ever since he had fallen so far from his place of happiness, there had always been a lurking darkness, much like Seunghyun’s own. 

_Despite the unhappy connotations,_ Seunghyun mused, _black is required for all other colours to have depth and variation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I appreciate all the support I've been given so far~


	12. In A Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which Seunghyun is "#relatable xD".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a few hours shy of when I usually post, but we had a storm and the wifi done did broke :/ But it's fine now! So slightly late post, sorry. My Ko-fi is at [PeaceMinusMotte](http://ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte) for any kind, beautiful soul who wishes to support me, and when I get to updating it, this will also be posted on my Tumblr @aflaxtonjaegerbomb.

Seunghyun’s eyes glossed over the canvas in front of him. It was one he’d seen plenty of times, probably too many to count and yet, somehow, it just didn’t seem to be as captivating today. Slowly, he felt his body stir as his legs began to guide the rest of his body away from the troublesome art. It was like an out of body experience - Seunghyun knew he was moving but it wasn’t quite registering. He assumed it was partly due to his muscle memory of the gallery. He’d visited Leeum as often as he’d visited his mother. Even when he’d seen everything there was to see, Seunghyun found himself pulled back by a lingering thought or a mental image of a piece that he just had to witness in person. Each time the extravagant displays enticed him further and brought him back. Niche art galleries may be something that Seunghyun holds dear, but Leeum was not popular for no reason. People had taste.

Seunghyun carried himself through the building effortlessly, as if he were floating. The place was mostly empty, a guided tour scattered here and there, and even they were sparse for people. It was rare that the gallery was this quiet and calm, so Seunghyun took his time, completely intending to spend a full day there. He felt disembodied and odd, but at the same time, he was currently achieving a level of calmness that he didn't even know was possible. The gallery became background noise - the soft whispers from tourists, the clacking of shoes on hard wood and the stifling of coughs and sneezes. It wasn’t until he felt a hand grasp his own that he awoke from whatever trance he’d been in. The jarring sensation of skin on skin contact almost caused him to jump in surprise.

Seunghyun’s first instinct was to jerk away from the person - his fight or flight response forever being tested by mad “fans” who thought liking someone’s music gave them ownership over an artist. His attacker let his hand slip from their grasp, and Seunghyun turned his body to fully face them, although he wasn’t sure what he’d say or do. However, it seemed that he had overreacted. Jiyong had his face mostly covered by a hat and scarf combo, but Seunghyun recognised him nevertheless. It was a wonder he wasn’t melting into a puddle - it was spring and Seunghyun was rather warm in his own getup of a hoodie and jeans.

“Why the excessive coverage?”

Jiyong shrugged. “Habit.”

Silence hung awkwardly in the air, neither man really knowing where they stand.

“Walk with me?” Seunghyun finally spoke, and Jiyong nodded as a small smile graced his lips. “So, this is a… er, nice coincidence, isn’t it?”

“It’s not,” Jiyong said. His voice was raspy and ruined from recording non-stop the past few days.

“It’s not?”

“I was looking for you. Wanted to say goodbye before you leave tomorrow.”

Ah. Seunghyun hadn’t had the time to tell any of them. 

Well, that’s a lie, he’s had plenty of time. Only it had never occurred to him that the other members would care too much.

“Actually, the shoot’s been pushed back. The photographer said he wanted to come here first. Some kind of “beauty of other cultures” theme.”

“So when are you going to America?”

“Probably within the next three weeks now. I’m not too ecstatic if I’m honest,” Seunghyun sighed, almost starting to regret taking the offer.

“I bet they’ll be gallery material though,” Jiyong chuckled, “maybe you could even get another photo book from it?”

“What, _From TOP_ 2.0?” Seunghyun grinned at the idea. “I doubt there’d be enough photos for that.” He held open the door for Jiyong as they stepped outside.

“So call it _From TOP_ 1.5 instead.”

“Alright, smartass.”

Both men fell silent again. It was comfortable this time, the pair strolling relaxedly through the outdoor section of the gallery. Jiyong unravelled his scarf a little and removed his hat, fairly certain that he wasn’t going to be harassed. The afternoon passed with small bursts of conversation interlaid with long stretches of contented silence. The sun still hung happily in the sky by 6 pm, and Jiyong mentioned that perhaps he should be getting back to work now.

“I wasn’t supposed to have a break today, I just thought you’d be gone by tomorrow so-”

“I know, yeah,” Seunghyun smiled warmly. “Don’t work yourself too hard though.”

Jiyong nodded, staring at a point over Seunghyun’s shoulder as if he didn’t want to make eye contact.

They parted without another word, Jiyong returned to his studio ready to wear himself out, and Seunghyun returned home, ready to cook a half-assed meal and watch a good movie. Seunghyun didn't think much of the meeting. Whatever had happened between the group, it was only basic good manners that Jiyong had come to say goodbye to him.

_Although Jiyong was the only one._

Seunghyun was barely through the doorway of his kitchen when the doorbell rang. He wasn’t expecting anything or anyone and the prospect of being social with another person today made Seunghyun grimace. And yet he went back the way he’d come, straight to the front door. Behind said door was the face of an angel. An angel that had been scarcely seen for over a week now. Seunghyun felt his heart swell at the mere sight of Daesung. He stood before him like a divine being, and at that moment, Seunghyun knew he’d do literally anything for this man. He’d throw himself from any cliff, swim to any depth, fly as many miles as Daesung wished him to if only they could return to their previously devoted selves.

“Can I come in?” Daesung spoke softly and averted his eyes from his counterpart - if they could even call one another that anymore.

“Of course,” Seunghyun almost choked on the simplest of phrases, but stood aside so Daesung could enter his house.

He made his way to the living room, Seunghyun following closely behind. Neither of them spoke until Daesung stopped abruptly in the centre of the room - Seunghyun almost walked right into his back.

“Have you eaten?”

“Huh?” Seunghyun blanked. What an oddly domestic question. “I was going to cook…”

Daesung’s hum was all the response he got before the younger man headed straight to the kitchen with Seunghyun yet again trailing behind him, albeit slightly more distanced this time. Once in the kitchen, Seunghyun leaned awkwardly on his own counter, watching Daesung move fluidly about the place as if he’d lived there his whole life. He checked the fridge and then pulled a face.

“What were you planning on cooking? There’s barely anything here…” Daesung muttered, almost to himself.

“Gaeran mari?” Seunghyun shrugged from his position at the counter. Daesung didn’t even glance at him, he only sighed like a disappointed mother before taking out the lone carton of eggs. Seunghyun was becoming more concerned by Daesung’s actions by the second. He walked slowly over to Daesung’s side of the kitchen, stopping only a few inches behind him. Daesung had begun mixing the eggs with onions and carrots. He seemed entirely focused on the task at hand and there was some type of tension weighing heavily on the atmosphere in the room. Seunghyun couldn’t figure out what it was.

“You should take better care of yourself. Buy more food,” Daesung knew what he was saying was pretty much useless but he needed to fill the silence with something, anything. Seunghyun mumbled something in response, but he could barely hear him over the pounding of his heart.

“Put your arms around me.”

It was with such a quiet, timid voice that he made the request that Seunghyun almost didn’t hear him at all. Apprehensive beyond belief, Seunghyun stood stock still, faithless in his ears.

Daesung uttered a _"please"_ only slightly louder and that was all it took to shatter Seunghyun’s doubt. He buried his head into the crook of Daesung’s neck and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist, hoping beyond hope that his promise was conveyed. A promise of everlasting love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaeran mari is Korean rolled egg omelette~ Thanks to everyone for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated <3


	13. Prove It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seunghyun's redemption?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! It's been a while, but I was a little busy and was trying to bulk write before I start a more intense revision plan for my exams happening in May-June. There is a warning in this chapter for very slight non-con - not rape - at the end. Unwelcome making out. Thanks for all the support I've been given! I've also decided to stop posting this on Tumblr, as they continue to make it more difficult to do literally anything on there lmao. If anyone would be so kind as to support my work, my Ko-fi is [Peaceminusmotte](https://ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte).

Seunghyun stirred gently from his sleep as weak sunlight slithered into his room - he must have forgotten to close the curtains before going to bed last night. He kept his eyes closed, content with snuggling into the blankets and pillows for a little while longer. The sheets felt cool against his bare skin. However, as Seunghyun stretched one arm out under the covers, he bumped into something. Something solid and warm. He cracked open one eye and his breath caught in his throat - whether in fear or awe, his brain couldn’t seem to decide.

Laying next to him was Daesung in all his naked glory. The sheets just about covered his hips, but his stomach and chest were exposed. Seunghyun couldn’t stop himself from staring, his eyes following every little dip and curve. Daesung was bathed in an angelic glow from the natural lighting and Seunghyun found his fingers unconsciously wandering across his partner’s flawless figure.

The events of the previous night were vivid and prominent in his mind - the heat, the sweat, the noises. It had been spontaneous and dirty, yet passionate and divine. Seunghyun felt something stir within him at the mere memory of Daesung’s high pitched whines and demands. He pushed himself closer and began leaving the softest of kisses along Daesung’s collarbone. They were feather light, Seunghyun’s lips barely grazing the skin, as if it were some sort of forbidden action. 

He didn’t want to think about everything that had happened over the past week. It was packed with drama and intense emotion, and despite all of his mixed feelings bubbling up inside, Seunghyun refused to give it his time of day. After all, there was only one thing he was certain of, and that was his powerful, unwavering love for Daesung. He wouldn’t allow his mind to get in the way of what he wanted this time. Seunghyun was determined to hold onto Daesung no matter what, as cheesy as it sounded.

Seunghyun hummed as he buried his face into Daesung’s neck, nuzzling him. Seunghyun had managed to half drape himself over the other, his chest pressed against Daesung’s arm. He yanked the sheets so they covered both men up to their necks. Seunghyun settled himself and sighed. It had been far too long since he’d had the luxury of laying with Daesung, sexually or otherwise, and the recent nights without his support system had been pure hell. Sleep was a rare gift, and even when it did happen, Seunghyun was plagued with nightmares and sleep paralysis. It was as if the world decided to punish him for causing such pain to his angel. If that were the case, Seunghyun wouldn’t argue with his fate.

A hum came from the man beside him. Daesung stirred, unconsciously wrapping his free arm around Seunghyun. They lay still and silent for a moment, old memories seeping in from times when their relationship wasn’t so hazy and broken. Seunghyun was first to speak.

“I want to be with you.”

It was whispered into the younger man’s neck, lips brushing the skin. Daesung forced his eyes open and stared at the pure white ceiling, thoughts and emotions swirling through his mind. He was apprehensive, but the notion filled him with warmth and made his chest swell. A short “yeah?” was all he could muster. Seunghyun just nodded and tightened the arm he’d thrown across Daesung’s chest.

“Prove it,” Daesung raised his voice a little, apparently coming to a decision.

Seunghyun looked up at him, not quite registering the words. Daesung continued without even sparing him a glance.

“Go and speak to Jiyong. Establish that you’re not available. Tell him you love _me_.”

Seunghyun sat up on his elbows and gently gripped Daesung’s chin with one hand, forcing him to look at him. Daesung shied away from the manhandling at first, but still met Seunghyun’s eyes with a burning passion. He surged forward, surprising the older man, and kissed him with such force and intensity that Seunghyun completely submitted himself. Their lips stayed locked until Daesung pushed him by the chest. Seunghyun looked dazed, as though Daesung was a siren who’d lured him in and sucked his sensibility away.

“Go,” Daesung smiled, watching as Seunghyun scrambled out of bed to the wardrobe as naked as the day he was born. He took his time getting dressed, trying to buy himself a few spare seconds to figure out how exactly to go about the situation. When he stepped back into the bedroom with a casual shirt and jeans on, he was greeted with Daesung’s expectant gaze.

“Since when did you become so tyrannical?” Seunghyun mumbled.

“Since the day my boyfriend kissed another man,” Daesung didn’t even miss a beat. Seunghyun winced.

“Do you still love me? Or is this just for clarity’s sake?”

Daesung’s expression softened, making him look sad and timid. “I love you,” he said quietly. “I love, but I need this to happen if I can start trusting you again.”

Seunghyun nodded, avoiding his eyes. “I’m going.”

********

Seeing as he had his own key, Seunghyun let himself into the Kwon sibling’s apartment. He called out for Jiyong as he walked into the kitchen to get himself some water. As he set a cup down on the counter something caught his eye. The frame of a polaroid, stuck behind the knife block. Despite having the infinitely better idea of minding his own damn business, Seunghyun reached over to move the block. To his surprise, the polaroid turned out to be of him. It was from their world tour during the MADE era, but Seunghyun didn’t remember taking it. It seemed candid, almost reminiscent of Dispatch’s wild attempts to infringe them for something as mundane as breathing. When he moved closer to get a better look, Seunghyun discovered several more pictures adorning a small section of the wall. Some were printed pictures of official photo shoots and others were selfies from his Instagram. He wasn’t quite sure what to think of it. It was out of place and a little creepy, but before Seunghyun could ponder the issue more, he felt a hand on his arm.

“What’re you doing, Hyung?” Jiyong smiled up at him warmly. His painted nails held his arm firmly.

“Getting a drink, but… I saw this. Why are these pictures here?” Seunghyun gestured towards the wall. Jiyong didn’t even look at them - instead, he pulled on the other man’s arm, leading him into the living room.

“Artistic value,” he said while seating himself next to Seunghyun on the sofa. “You’re like an art piece… But I can touch it.” Jiyong giggled and poked his cheek, as if proving his point.

“Actually that’s kind of why I’m here. I need to talk to you about… things,” Seunghyun began. Jiyong finally released his arm.

“So… we’ve been in a difficult place recently, right? But I’ve come to the decision that I am someone who messed up - big time - and that has caused both you and Daesung to have a hard week or so. I’m really sorry for that.”

As Seunghyun spoke, Jiyong became more and more restless. He wouldn’t sit still, and his face seemed darker somehow. He continued, even so.

“I don’t _really_ understand why I have to do this since we’re not even dating but-” Seunghyun was cut off by Jiyong suddenly climbing into his lap, legs caging him in on either side. Without a word, Jiyong pushed himself against Seunghyun, chest to chest, lips to lips. Seunghyun tried to protest but when he opened his mouth, Jiyong forced his tongue inside. Shocked by the sudden predicament, Seunghyun shoved Jiyong away, throwing him to the side and standing up. 

Jiyong looked up at him from where he now lay on the sofa, eyes glossy, panting, with his lips parted. Seunghyun hesitated before saying, “I’m in love with Daesung. Not you. I’m sorry.” Jiyong didn’t even react, just stared at him blankly as he turned on his heel and promptly left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any and all constructive criticism is welcome! Feedback is always important to writers~ Thanks for reading, and have a nice day <3


	14. Switch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong's not quite right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late! I had some issues with some rubbish. Slight warning for some... suggestive content? I guess. Not much at all. If anyone wants to support me and the work I do, please consider donating to my Ko-fi at [Peaceminusmotte~](Ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte)

Seunghyun couldn’t have driven faster if he tried. He could still feel Jiyong’s tongue in his mouth, still see his blank gaze. It was unsettling, to say the least, especially with those candid photos of him in the kitchen, almost hidden from view. Seunghyun ran a hand quickly over his lips. He felt all kinds of gross. Was this Jiyong’s twisted way of dealing with rejection? An assault? As much as he wanted to pretend it had never even happened, it weighed on his mind all the way back to his house.

Daesung was still wrapped up snug in the sheets, where he’d been left. He was scrolling through his phone when Seunghyun stumbled in through the bedroom door. Daesung looked up, beaming.

“How’d it go, handsome?” He pulled Seunghyun down onto the bed by his shirt, leaving little butterfly kisses on his neck.

“Dae… it was weird,” Seunghyun began. He recounted the odd incident exactly, from the pictures to the assault to the drive home. Daesung stared intently at his partner, looking for any sign he was lying. Seunghyun finished his story with an “I’m sorry” on the tip of his tongue but Daesung saw it coming and gently pecked his lips.

“Don’t apologise to me. That wasn’t your fault. I don’t know what’s up with him, but it’s not your fault.” Daesung took Seunghyun’s face in his hands as he spoke and Seunghyun nodded, even with the glint of guilt in his eyes. He felt wrong.

The pair arrived a little later to work than planned - Daesung sporting a small limp. As they went through the YG building to BigBang’s shared studio they shared little glances and coy smiles.

_“We’ll just say we got stuck in traffic,” Daesung whispered breathlessly against the bedsheets._

_“That would never work and you know it,” Seunghyun replied, thrusting gently, allowing the younger man to adjust._

_“Quit playing around and fuck me like a man, Choi Seunghyun.”_

That was the last coherent sentence which had left Daesung’s mouth this morning - the afternoon had come quickly and brought with it a graceful pale blue sky dotted with clouds.

Youngbae greeted both the members by name when they entered the studio. Apparently, Seungri was out opening another Aori Ramen (“And we're surprised why?” mumbled Seunghyun), but Youngbae hadn’t seen Jiyong yet. Daesung and Seunghyun gave one another knowing looks.

“You two are okay now, I take it?”

“I think so,” said Daesung.

“You think so?” Youngbae cocked an eyebrow.

Daesung huffed and went on his toes to kiss Seunghyun’s cheek in favour of replying. Seunghyun smiled so hard his lip almost split, he felt warm and at home. Youngbae sniggered.

“So, what brings you here, Hyung? I would be packing for America if I were you.”

“I just came to support my boyfriend while he works.” The words rolled from Seunghyun’s tongue seamlessly. His brain stuttered for a moment as he realised he called Daesung his boyfriend. Was he still allowed to call him that? Of course he was, right? Daesung’s only reaction was a dazzlingly bright smile, so Seunghyun calmed himself. He sat down and let his mind wander as he watched Daesung work, pulling up a couple of music files on the computer. He found himself daydreaming. Seunghyun drifted into a world where he could call Daesung his husband. Where he could tell his parents about the love he’s hidden for years, without fear of repercussion Hell, forget just his parents - Seunghyun wanted to tell the whole world how much he loved his partner. 

But at the same time, while it was fun to dream about, Seunghyun knew, as much as any of them knew, that it was a distant, unlikely ideal. Asia was far behind in terms of accepting his kind of love, and even countries claiming to be progressive outside of Asia showed time and time again that “progressive” was a misplaced label, wasted on them and what they settled for. Only, Seunghyun tried to keep those thoughts firmly in the back of his mind, where they didn’t matter much. He’d learned to keep it a secret for this long, he can continue to do that for as long as he needs to.

Seunghyun was roughly pulled from his thoughts by the slamming of the door. Jiyong sauntered in with an unreadable expression. He bearhugged Youngbae, who’d gotten up to retrieve a small USB drive, before plopping elegantly down into the seat closest to Seunghyun. He was silent and avoided all eye contact as he set up his laptop. Daesung spared him an icy look before returning to work. The atmosphere changed almost inexplicitly cool.

“Hyung, would you come with me to find Teddy? You can say goodbye to him while you’re here since he probably won’t be seeing the outside world for a few weeks,” Youngbae grasped at straws, trying to find any excuse to take Seunghyun from between the two younger members. He had a feeling things would turn sour very quickly. Seunghyun looked between Daesung, who smiled reassuringly at him, and Jiyong, who was incredibly interested in his laptop screen. He stepped out with Youngbae.

Almost immediately, Daesung pounced on his prey.

“Hyung. Seunghyun said you were acting weird when he came to talk to you this morning. Everything okay?” He cut straight to the chase, unwilling to beat around the bush, but still showing compassion. Jiyong was, after all, still practically family.

“Huh? I’m a bit busy, Dae, sorry... “ Jiyong mumbled, not looking at him. He sounded far away.

“Jiyong Hyung. Did you actually assault my boyfriend this morning?”

The sudden harsh tone coming from the usually soft-spoken Daesung caused Jiyong to turn, finally.

“I don’t remember,” he said simply.

Daesung narrowed his eyes. He knew when Jiyong was drunk, and right now he was completely sober. He couldn’t have blacked out between this morning and now, otherwise he would have called to say he wouldn’t be coming in. There was certainly something off though. As though someone had flicked a switch deep inside Jiyong’s mind

It certainly wasn’t the Jiyong Daesung knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Again, if you enjoyed this and want to help support me, my Ko-fi is [Peaceminusmotte.](Ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte) Any feedback is appreciated, and I hope you have a good day!


	15. Like Real People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The studio has never seen such awkwardness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for all the returning readers, I'm happy to still be able to write for an audience, no matter the size~ My exams are coming up in two months - but I believe I am prepared with this fic for it to be able to continue throughout the exam months. Bulk writing is always a good idea. And if anyone wants to support me I have a Ko-fi at [Peaceminusmotte](Ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte)~

Daesung stared incredulously as Jiyong returned to his work silently. He couldn’t find the words to express his utter confusion and disbelief, and instead settled on a loud huff of anger.

A couple of minutes later, both Youngbae and Seunghyun came back, coffees in hand. Daesung opened his mouth to say thank you, but was interrupted by Jiyong’s soft giggle as he took the cup Seunghyun was clearly handing to Daesung. Youngbae looked on in horror, certain that some form of catfight was about to break out, but Daesung merely took the other cup, kissing Seunghyun on the cheek.

The rest of the day was spent in the studio with a suffocatingly tense atmosphere and Jiyong seemed determined to irritate both Seunghyun and Daesung. It started out subtly enough - just sitting close, not even looking at him, but slowly Jiyong became bolder. He put his hand over Seunghyun’s, laughed at whatever he said (funny or not) and sometimes completely stopped working just to stare at Seunghyun. Daesung tried acting oblivious, but the rage he felt with every tiny motion of Jiyong’s body was growing rapidly. He was angry that Jiyong was acting weird, that he felt this was at all appropriate, and that he couldn’t even have a discussion with him earlier. He was angry that Seunghyun wouldn’t say anything about it, even though he was clearly uncomfortable. He was even ready to snap at Youngbae, innocent though he was, having shoved himself into a corner to avoid the other men.

Speaking of Youngbae, he was rapidly texting Seungri of the current situation. Seungri was stuck filling out some boring paperwork, and so was grateful for the messages, but also horrified. Youngbae stifled a chuckle when he realised that Seungri wasn’t really caught up on the many details.

**Maknae:** _Wait, so it’s like… a love triangle?_

**Youngbae:** _Yeah, it’s so awkward…_

**Maknae:** _I have the solution!_

Youngbae sighed - Seungri, of course, always had the solution.

**Youngbae:** _Sure you do_

**Maknae:** _I do!_

**Youngbae:** _Hit me._

**Maknae:** _Polyamory._

Youngbae blinked. What.

**Maknae:** _I’m a genius._

Did Seungri not understand the issue here? Daesung looked as if he were a man on the verge of murdering someone (read: Jiyong) and with his physique, he certainly wouldn’t have any trouble. For a fleeting, terrifying moment, Youngbae envisioned Seungri voicing this idea to the room, and the reaction was so intense that he took a second to compose himself before replying.

**Youngbae:** _You’re a fucking idiot._

**Maknae:** _:((( Hyung why don’t you love me_

Again, Youngbae sighed. He tossed his phone aside, not ready to put up with the youngest’s needy attitude. He’d go visit him tonight though, and explain what’s going on. He deserves to know as much as the rest of them. Youngbae glanced around the room. Daesung was focused on the computer screen, his back to Seunghyun and Jiyong who were in an odd predicament. Seunghyun sat at the table behind Daesung, with Jiyong far too close for comfort, pretty much on his lap. Seunghyun met his gaze and Youngbae recognised the worry.

“Jiyong, can you come help me with this?”

Jiyong snapped his head up. He didn’t answer, and Youngbae seriously considered sinking into the floor as he was scrutinised by his friend in silence.

“Sure,” Jiyong got up shakily as if it physically pained him to leave Seunghyun’s side. The older man visibly relaxed, nodding in thanks at Youngbae.

Youngbae kept Jiyong busy for as long as he could, acting clueless about the simplest of things. Jiyong seemed too preoccupied to notice that Youngbae had apparently lost all of his motor skills today. He fidgeted and kept looking at Seunghyun, Youngbae even had to call for his attention a couple of times, shaking him out of a trance-like state. Eventually, Jiyong became frustrated. Just as he got up, Daesung decided he was done.

“Okay, we’re gonna go! We have a dinner date,” he lied through his teeth, shutting off the computer. Seunghyun didn’t even question it - he stood so quickly Youngbae thought he’d get whiplash.

Jiyong narrowed his eyes and looked between the two of them before shrugging. He didn’t even say goodbye as the couple practically bolted from the room. Youngbae watched as Jiyong sat down dejectedly, going back to whatever he was typing on his laptop.

“What’s going on with you, dude? Today’s been so... weird.”

“Nothing’s going on,” Jiyong kept typing. It was like his voice and his body weren't in the same state. He sounded far away and breathy, but his body language was alert and working.

“Clearly there’s something. I’m not an idiot,” Youngbae lay down on the sofa, getting himself comfortable.

“I know you’re not!” Jiyong’s voice suddenly boldened and he stopped typing - as if they’d become synced. He saw Youngbae’s face laced with concern. “Why do you look out for me all the time? It’s like you’re never focused on yourself…” Jiyong spoke softly. It really did hurt him that his friends were so concerned about him. 

_After all, they have no reason to be,_ he thought.

“I look out for you because you don’t do it for yourself. Whether it’s your eating, drinking, or your love life, you always manage to hurt yourself!” Youngbae hates raising his voice, but if his love for Jiyong wasn’t getting through just by actions, he’d use his words as well. He took a moment to breathe before he actually yelled. “You’re my closest friend. I care about you, Ji.”

“But there’s _nothing_ wrong!” Jiyong didn’t miss a beat. He couldn’t wrap his head around what was happening. He barely even remembered what happened today. He just came in and did work, like always.

Youngbae knew how stubborn Jiyong could be when he didn’t want to talk about something, and he assumed this was one of those times. So instead of pushing it, he just sighed once again and let silence fall back over the two of them like a blanket.

*******

Seunghyun and Daesung sat in icy silence on the drive back. Daesung was too heated to speak. To be fair to him, it was rather miraculous that his mood could be swayed by one person and their actions alone within only a few hours. Seunghyun was disturbed and confused. Jiyong had never acted so ridiculously before, and it needed to be addressed.

“At least you’re leaving soon…” Daesung mumbled.

“You think it’ll help?”

“Yeah… maybe he just needs to have a couple weeks without you. Then he’ll get over it and we’ll go back to normal.”

Seunghyun nodded. “Sounds good.”

“I’m gonna call you every day,” Daesung rested his hand on Seunghyun’s thigh as he spoke.  
“I should hope so!”

“I think you should send me one picture from the shoot each day… To keep me going.”

“What do you mean “keep you going”? Are my sultry tones not enough for you?” Seunghyun feined offence as he pulled into his driveway.

“I need some kind of visual. I’ll miss your sexy face,” Daesung giggled as he pecked the corner of Seunghyun’s lips.

“Hey, come here-” Seunghyun pulled on the younger’s shirt as he tried to move away. “We should just kiss like real people do,” he muttered as he brought his lips into contact with Daesung’s. He tasted of something sweet and light - as if Seunghyun’s favourite traits had transposed to his lips.

They sat in the car, awkwardly positioned, lips locked, until they could no longer stand the minuscule distance between them and raced one another into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Feedback is encouraged and greatly appreciated! Once again, if anyone would be willing to support me even a little, I have a Ko-fi at [Peaceminusmotte](Ko-fi.com/peaceminusmotte)! Have a lovely day <3


	16. Author's note

I really appreciate all the love and attention this fic is getting, it's so much encouragement for a skill that I thought I had lost. Many of you are probably aware of what's going on within the VIP fandom at the moment, and if you aren't then I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to explain. It's taken a huge toll on me, along with the other events within my life at the this time. 

Before I say anything else, please please please don't start discourse here about the whole incident. There are plenty of other places where you can argue and attack other people all you like. Writing is supposed to be an escape for me, and for many others, so if I see a comment even slightly controversial I'm afraid I'll have to delete it. It's uncomfortable. It's not necessary here.

You're all entitled to your opinion, as am I.

I really want to continue writing. I'm excited for the end of this fic. I'm excited to see what you all think of my first finished product. I'm excited to finally finish a whole fic. However, I think at the moment I need to take time away. I'm taking some time away from Tumblr for sure. I'm going to continue writing even if I don't upload things on here for a little while. Usually I can throw out about 1000 words a day and then take lots of time to polish it before uploading it as a chapter, however, my low mood makes everything difficult. I'm sure others people who suffer from depression can relate to this.

I am not abandoning this fic. I am not stopping here. I'm just going to let myself breathe for a while, take a little longer to write, feel and try not to stress so much about everything. My exams start in May, and continue through until the end of June. They are a large cause for concern at the moment, so if I don't return by May, I'll certainly be back after June.

I'm sorry if this disappoints anyone, I really am. I'm disappointed too, but if I keep writing like this I'll be turning out utter shit every time, and you guys deserve better than that. Everyone has been a great supporter here, and I truly appreciate every nice comment and every kudo here.

This might be a little dramatic, but I'm just trying to be clear and open with everyone. Thank you~


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